


So that happened for real???

by PleaseDontFindThisMom



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Cliche, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, I came back to the tags and realized I forgot to tag half the stuff ups, I made Quentin gay and I have no idea why it isn't even big plot point, I'm Bad At Tagging, Not Canon Compliant, One Shot Collection, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Peter Parker-centric, Post-Spider-Man: Far From Home, Twitter, What Have I Done, at least technically but then again infinity war and endgame didn't happen so, honestly what even is tagging, reality is what I write it out to do in this fic, the stories are not related but they exist in same timeline and are referenced, there are minor OCs but their importance level is almost negative
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25902715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PleaseDontFindThisMom/pseuds/PleaseDontFindThisMom
Summary: Twitter AU where Peter's identity as Spiderman has been revealed so he proceeds to tell stories about his life to the internet
Relationships: Academic Decathlon Team (Spider-Man: Homecoming) & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Everyone
Comments: 42
Kudos: 475





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is cliche crack from start to finish and I'm not even sorry.

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

okay, so now that my secret identity (not so secret anymore huh) is out in the open, i can finally share some of the best stories

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i couldn’t share them before because they would have probs revealed my identity but now i can so i will

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

(but first let’s pray for stark industries PR team, this is going to be a nightmare for you and you are the true heroes!!!)

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

okay so let’s start

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so this one time i was out with Deadpool. we were somewhere in new rochelle drinking

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i can’t really get drunk unless i drink over my bodyweight in alcohol, so only Wade was drunk by the time we stopped

_I’m trying ok **✓** @biperman _

so we exit the bar and i realize we are out of money, like no nada left

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and i’m out of web fluid, so i can’t swing us back and i left my phone for reasons (Tony really doesn’t like Wade and i didn’t want him tracking me down)

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so we have no money, unable to walk Wade, no phone and no way to get home 

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

while i’m panicking this nice lady comes by (shout out to Minnie, you saved us <3) and asks what the problem and then she notices Wade

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so turns out Wade dined and dashed once or twice in this diner, except it wasn’t a diner but a strip club (something about fake money idk, she was yelling at this point)

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so i want to pay her back but again, no money

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

then she says that i could pay her back in labor and i could keep any extra i make

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so yeah, that night i worked at a strip club

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and apparently i was pretty good if the couple hundred bucks of extra cash i made are anything to go by

_tomatotomato @tomatoman_

I’m just - Spiderman moonlighted once as a stripper????

_youknowwhoIam **✓** @TonyStark _

I don’t know what I regret more - this happening or knowing it happened

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i kind of forgot you can read this too lol

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

my wholesome image is pretty much in ruins now, no?

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

That’s putting it lightly my dude (tho it was kinda shattered after the whole mysterio thing so)

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

kinda upset I didn’t know about this before tbh :/

_no means no @myfriendscallmeMJ_

I usually don’t agree with Ned, but yeah, could have told us before the internet

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

it’s just kinda, idk, embarrassing???

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

don’t worry tho i won’t give the pictures to others

_youknowwhoIam **✓** @TonyStark _

Do I want to know why there are pictures?

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

Wade was drunk enough to not walk but apparently not drunk enough to not take photos

_spideywatch @noticemesenpai_

spideys wholesome image is kinda lost case (still love you tho)

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

thanks <3

_hereforlaughs @somebodyspecial_

wait, what mysterio thing???


	2. Chapter 2

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

okay so there was many questions about the incident with mysterio and how it hurt my wholesome image

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

honestly i’m surprised everyone doesn’t know since there was like million videos floating around the internet but i will recap the incident anyway

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so in my last fight with mysterio, you know the one that i had with him right after he babbled my identity out in the open

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so we were trash talking the basic banter really

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i’m pretty sure i said something about his ugly mug

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and since he knew how i looked under the mask he responded in kind expect he went for the twink 

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and like maybe i look like one i don’t know

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

it’s more flattering that its dissing tbh

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

but anyway calling someone twink as an insult when you are gay yourself is just kinda borderline flirting

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so next i say something about him being attracted to me

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and he says something about me being good enough to be a cockwarmer

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and i say something about him wishing i would touch his dick

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and he said something about hate fucking being pretty hot

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and i say something about bondage play and victim/captor roleplay

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and he says that I would probably look like good little bitch all tied up in his bed

_I’m trying ok_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so anyway there was this four year old watching and filming it and she showed the banter to her friends and it leaked to her siblings and her siblings schools and in three days three elementary schools had been traumatized especially when someone took it upon them to explain what we were talking about

_hereforlaughs @somebodyspecial_

I’m just… i know I asked, but I have no idea what to do with this information

_cawcawmf ✓ @ClintBarton_

Do like us… forget it ever happened and slip into blissful ignorance

_onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson_

rt

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

rt

_greenbean ✓ @BruceBanner_

rt

_CEO of SI ✓ @PepperPotts_

I don’t think me or my team will ever forget the PR nightmare


	3. Chapter 3

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

so did i ever tell you about the time i went gambling with Loki to this mafia?

_ scaredofdark @Iloveyoumaybe _

no tell us

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

well fasten your seatbelts then guys

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

so Loki was visiting earth but the tower was kinda full of people who didn’t exactly like Loki, so i took him out to escape them

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

i asked where he wanted to go and he said gambling (im pretty sure he just said first thing that came to mind)

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

i don’t gamble so i had no idea where to go

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

so we just kinda walked around until we hit this pub where people were playing poker

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

Loki just kinda goes in and joins their game and i wanted in too

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

i had like twenty bucks on me and i have no idea if Lokes had any money at all

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

so we kinda cheated a lot to stay in the game

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

but they kinda catch on at some point 

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

so as to not raise more suspicion i lose some rounds but loki keeps winning

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

after sixteen rounds or something this big muscular guy loses his shit and literally flips the table

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

i’m there like oh shit

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

Lokes just laughs (love you, but you are an ass)

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

so when they barrel at me loki does nada and just looks as i try to fight them off without hurting them (i’m in civilians and this was before my identity reveal so i can’t use my webs or too much strength and so on (they actually kinda sucked at fighting so not hurting them was sups difficult))

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

then someone pulls out a gun

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

and tries to shoot Loki (who was wearing this super expensive and nice coat btw)

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

and he kinda loses his shit and almost strangles this guy with his own hair (don’t ask)

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

more guys pull out their guns and start shooting

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

and then Loki tries to strangle all of them too

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

so then i was just trying to stop loki from committing mass murder

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

while we are still fighting this suit man comes outta nowhere with machine gun

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

and starts shooting all of us while yelling about late pays

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

i just kinda figure out from their shouting that he was from some other gang and they were selling drugs to this gang and this gang didn’t pay

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

(so just to recap me and lokes got stuck in the middle of gang fight while im in my civilian suit after we cheated little too much in poker)

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

long story short me and loki won the fight in the end

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

and then we just schodoosed the fuck outta there (i returned there later as spiderman tho)

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

and on the way back

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

Loki hands me this wallet

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

and in the wallet was all the money from the game

_ moonmoon @princessluna _

that did not go even remotely in the direction i was expecting

_ yellingaboutcarrots @farmerlife _

Loki sounds like a handful

_ living PR nightmare  **✓** @biperman _

lol he is

_ IWillCutYou @snek _

heard you were talking shit

_ living PR nightmare  _ **_✓_ ** _ @biperman _

it’s not talking shit if i’m right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, moving these from google docs to ao3 is a nightmare like nothing else


	4. Chapter 4

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

wanna hear about the time i terrorised the whole stark tower when i was high on meds???

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

Of course you do, so lemme tell a story

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

So after this one fight with these aliens my hip broke and i lost some teeth

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

after the fight i got taken into medbay and was given so much pain killers (special kind, Captain America uses the same ones)

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so i kinda get high on the meds

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and then my teeth regrow

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

expect they weren’t teeth but fangs that emitted venom and honestly growing them was painful as fuck even on meds and it made me kinda angry

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so i’m high and angry and have venomous fangs

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so naturally i start attacking people

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i just crawl around on ceiling and walls and bite who ever i see

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

turns out the venom is paralyzing and makes people hazy

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i honestly don’t remember all that clearly, but someone told me that i went basically through the whole tower and paralysed over hundred people

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

it took three avengers (shout out to _@NatashaRomanoff, @wintersoldier_ and _@vision)_ , knockout gas, dead rabbit and one hour to take me down

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

afterwards Pepper and Tony made hella lotta people sign NDAs to keep my identity under wraps 

_suddenly I’m Jared, 19 ✓ @wintersoldier_

I remember this shit had nightmares for weeks

_suddenly I’m Jared, 19 ✓ @wintersoldier_

you were like a demon spawn crawling around incredibly fast and hissing

_suddenly I’m Jared, 19 ✓ @wintersoldier_

Im pretty sure your eyes were also bloodshot which didnt help

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

sorry? but also lol

_CEO of SI ✓ @PepperPotts_

Not ‘lol’, it was such a mess to clean up, there was over thirty people who just quit after it

_georgeousopportunist @imrighthere_

that explains the short period three months back when SI had record breakingly much hires

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

I’m sorry? like i said, PR team of SI is where real heroes work


	5. Chapter 5

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

ayyy guys, imma gonna destroy my wholesome image some more with new story!

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so this happened like week after the whole strippping incident

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i was visiting Minnie (you know, the nice lady Wade owned money to) with Steve

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

its like ten pm when we finally leave

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so when we start walking back, this drunk guy starts to approach us and mumbles something

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

me and Steve both could deal with someone getting aggressive, but he was just kinda mumbling and being weird

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

then he gives me hundred dollars

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i was *so* confused

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i tried to give it back to him

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

which made him apparently super confused and he actually stopped mumbling

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

after while he speaks up “are you with him? (steve he means) i will pay you double”

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

at this point i was confusion itself

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

steve just asked what he was talking about

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and the man kinda repeats that he will pay double

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

this goes back and forth before steve asks the key question “what are you paying for”

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and this man honest to God says “he, hustler, i’m buying him” while pointing at me

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and nobody in my whole life was kind enough to tell me what to do when someone tries to buy sex from you when you are with Steve Rogers Captain America Sir

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

lol well anyway in the end turns out the man saw me at the club the previous week and thought i was stripper and prostitute since i left with Wade

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

and so all in all Captain America was under the impression i was prostitute for about ten minutes and he found out i moonlighted as stripper before anyone else expect Wade

_uwu uwu @kawaiiiii_

not your wildest moment, but sounds awkward as fuck

_tigress @dontyouatmebitch_

your life is weird as fuck

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

Are you saying that capsicle found out about the stripping thing before I did?

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

uhhh, yes?

_IWasForcedToTwitter ✓ @SteveRogers_

Oddest form of honor I have ever gotten

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

Take what you can while you can, Rogers.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should apologize for making this fic so here goes: I am sorry. Not gonna stop writing it tho

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i just realized that my secret identity has been public knowledge for over two weeks but i haven’t had the important discussion TM yet

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

okay so this message is shout out to everyone and anyone in my life

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

so _@avengersoffical_ , _@myfriendscallmeMJ_ , _@nedleeds, @gottagofaster_ , _@moonmoon_ , _@Abelicious_ , _@BettyBrant_ , _@sallykins_ , _@charleshere_ , _@PepperPotts_ , _@headofsecurity_ , _@auntie_ come and listen to my pep talk

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

YOU GUYS DO REALIZE THAT MY HEARING IS DIALED UP TO ELEVEN??? I CAN ACTUALLY HEAR YOU

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

I know I am gonna regret asking this, but what do you mean?

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

i can *hear* you

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

?

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

sigh

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

I can hear you making out in the supply closet. I can hear you phone sexting. I can hear you having sex in the gym. And dear lord, never make out on the kitchen table, I haven’t been able to eat on it since.

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

I can hear like five floors up and down (which reminds me, congrats for getting together Lily and Amanda, your pining was horrible) and I can hear three blocks over. I am not asking you to stop having sex or phone sexting or making out or masturbating or whatever, just be mindful that I can actually fucking hear you

_JournalistIncoming @BettyBrant_

You can actually hear what happens in the supply closet???

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

Not like, during school hours if i dont focus, but acadec is after almost everyone is already gone so yes

_ketchup is disgusting fightme @charleshere_

damn dude, and you never told before this?

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

It just never seems like a good time to tell you can hear people making out in the supply closet???

_CEO of SI ✓ @PepperPotts_

Even if I’m slightly concerned about this going all over the internet, I’m way more concerned about you hearing everything that happens behind closed doors in the tower

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

what closed doors lol _@SamWilson_ _@wintersoldier_ amirite?

_blueroses @indiegames_

the implications about Falcon and Winter Soldier dating are strong

_theDRAMA @honestlywhateven_

Wait wait wait, are winter soldier and falcon DATING????????

_onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson_

Dude, way to keep things private

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

I have made a mistake

_living PR nightmare_ **_✓_ ** _@biperman_

But I repeat, NO MORE KITCHEN TABLE STUFF


	7. Chapter 7

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so anyway, you guys know how i only wear a thong under my spiderman suit?

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so here is a story about time i had to buy my own thong back from this homeless guy

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

it all started when there was that alien attack during school hours one day

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

now i usually just wear thongs to school as well so that i don’t have to change my underwear

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but that day we had gym so i couldnt

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so when i change to the spiderman suit, i didnt have time for the thong so i just pocket it so i can change later

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

later never comes

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

the attack had been going on for over thirty minutes when the itching becomes unbearable

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i slip away to put on the fucking thong

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but then (of course) this alien shoots at me

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and i DROP the darned thing

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i dive after it

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

when i find it, some homeless dude is holding it

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and he wouldn’t give it back to me unless i paid for it

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

the thong was worth like ten dollars but the homeless dude asked for twenty

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and i had to pay it

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

because the itching was just that bad and i couldnt just stroll into store to buy a new one

_trauma @withhintsofptsd_

I’m sorry, you wear a THONG under the suit???

_daylight @canfuckoff_

spiderman: so you know how i wear thong-

everyone: no we don’t

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

was it not public information

_CEO of SI ✓ @PepperPotts_

It was anything but public information

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

well shit

_historytestshavemeDYING @sallykins_

wanna tell us more now that it’s out in the open Pete

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

ok ok so like my suit is skintight? so if I wear boxers of any sort the outlines can be seen? and i don’t need that kind of rep. but going commando in spandex got be dying, like, it itches SO BADLY

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so the solution was thong

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

because it’s like thin enough not to show but it also prevents the itching and truth to be told silk feels so gooooood

_sunflowers @Gabrielle_

I didn’t think I would learn about Spidermans choice of underwear today but thats what life gave me

_sunflowers @Gabrielle_

and I just gotta say, I love my life for it

_CEO of SI ✓ @PepperPotts_

I can assure you the PR team doesn’t love their lifes for it

_CEO of SI ✓ @PepperPotts_

Expect for Heidi, she is ecstatic

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

good for her?


	8. Chapter 8

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so when Sam was turning thirty nine I was s t r u g g l i n g to come up with present

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so when i walked into SI i said to go to the thirty ninth floor because i was thinking about Sams age 

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

FRIDAY, of course, takes me to the thirty ninth floor and i walk out being oblivious to the fact that it’s wrong floor

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i only notice i’m on the wrong floor when i walk to glass wall that should not be there

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

it’s like, no big deal, but then i hear voices and i’m in the wrong place and i panic

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i rush into the supply closet

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and its all ridiculous because i have permission to go almost anywhere in the tower including that floor so i really don’t need to hide

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but anyway as im thinking what the fuck im gonna do, someone walks straight towards the fucking supply closet

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman’_

so me and my genius iq jump to the ceiling to hide

_show some respect @moonmoon_

I suspect you are not even half way into the story and it’s already a trainwreck

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

ikr

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so then the person walks in

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but hes not alone

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

thats right, there is another person with him

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and i have never been filled in how to act when you are hiding in supply closets ceiling and people start making out under you

_show some respect @moonmoon_

oh my god Peter

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

ikr

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so after solid two minutes of panicking i start thinking how to escape

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i start to turn slowly to check for vents and stuff

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but there is NONE

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

it’s like golden rule to have ventilation in supply closet but there i was, stuck on the ceiling with no vent out

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

by then its been like almost five minutes so i really cant jump down now

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

because the only thing more awkward than jumping down on people making out in the supply closet is jumping down on people making out in the supply closet after hovering above them FOR FIVE MINUTES

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

then i drop

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

maybe the stress affected my stickiness or something, i don’t know

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but the fact that i fell onto Adrien and Tara remains

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

they scream

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i scream

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

Tara hits me

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i scream 

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

Adrien tries to take a hold of me

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i evade him and tumble out of the closet

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

Tara scream asks where the fuck i came from

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

which fair, but i really wasn’t ready to answer or anything

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i kinda scream ‘vents!’ and run the fuck away

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

im pretty sure they never told anyone, but whenever i see them around they whisper, really softly, ‘vent ghost’

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

you are the vent ghost???

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

others have heard about the vent ghost????

_show some respect @moonmoon_

oh my god

_mama spider ✓ @BlackWidow_

I have heard about the vent ghost

_mama spider ✓ @BlackWidow_

I thought it was you but I never got any proof

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i really dont know what to say? sorry? the fame is flattering?

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

PETER I HEARD ABOUT THE VENT GHOST ALSO

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

SOME INTERN TOLD ME ONCE WHEN I WAS WAITING FOR YOU IN THE HIGH INTERS LABS

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

I-

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i dont even try


	9. Chapter 9

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so you remember when i bonded with venom for some time before i had to get rid of him?

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so anyway during that time there was more than dozen incidents that would actually have comedic value

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but what i’m about to share today happened at school

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i’m there, chillin with the symbiote within me, tryna learn some spanish

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

when venom decides THAT IT WOULD BE TOTALLY OKAY TO COME OUT

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

WHICH IT IS TOTALLY NOT BECAUSE IM AT SCHOOL AND VENOM IS ABOUT AS UNSUSPICIOUS AS CARRYING AROUND THREE CORPSES LIGHTER FOUR TIRES AND THREE PACKS OF CHOCOLATE IS

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i PANIC and jump to the floor, totally covering the symbiote with my back

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

everyone LOOKS

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and im UNCOMFORTABLE

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i kinda cover my face

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and thats when the little shit decides to say out loud ‘I WOULD LIKE TO FEAST ON RAPIST FLESH’

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

I have no idea if anyone looked at me because at that point i just bolt out of the classroom and into the bathroom

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i never went back to class that expect to sneak back my backpack (through the window)

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so that was one of the many reasons i got rid of venom

_ketchup is disgusting fightme @charleshere_

finally…. and explanation

_historytestshavemeDYING @sallykins_

There was about fifty theories and none of them was that

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

glad to help :)

_pizza @Brock_

you make it sound all kinds of dramatic (you and venom parting) but honestly it was like teenager break up

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

parting ways with man eating symbiote is dramatic

_pizza @Brock_

not the way you did it lol you refused to speak to each others for months before I got you to make up and even then you would hold out for weeks in bitter silence before you broke down and started sobbing and hugging

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

lies and slander

_pizza @Brock_

it was honestly more loaded than most tv dramas nowadays

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

I don’t think you ever mentioned knowing Venom, Peter

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i could swear i did?

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

did not

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

oh well, does it really matter? i mean, im already friends with such a wide variety of people?

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

You didn’t think being friends with a man eating alien was worth mentioning? And that ‘wide variety of friends’ does not help your case, who else am I not aware of?

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

You should know everyone? Deadpool? Daredevil? Black cat? Shuri? People from acadec? Loki? other people within avengers and their families? Strange? Groot? Harry?

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

Black cat, Groot, Daredevil and Harry were new additions.

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

ok

_youknowwhoIam ✓ @TonyStark_

Not ok! I would like to know beforehand if you are friends with vigilantes, trees, criminals and is that Harry Osborn? Don’t tell me you are friends with Osborn.

_helicopter dad ✓ @TonyStark_

...


	10. Chapter 10

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

okay so this story is from waaaaaaaay back when i had just gotten my powers

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i was still learning how to control my powers so i didn’t really have the ability to block out most of the stimulus and couldn’t really control when i stuck to things and i couldn’t control my strength and the sixth sense never calmed down and so on

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

anyway, so during that time i was surprisingly accident free

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i mean i broke tons of door knobs and alarm clocks and got sensory overloads often but like nothing major really happened since i pushed myself to control my powers asap and when i it got bad i usually didn’t leave my home

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

expect this one time which i’m about to share

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i was late doing homework, this happened like four days after i could go to school again after getting my powers

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i think i fell asleep on my chemistry book

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so when i wake up it’s stuck to my back

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i have no idea how different kinds of stimulus affect my stickiness (expect starvation and exhaustion) so sometimes stress, panic, anxiety may work up my stickiness and sometimes they downplay it

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

back to story so anyway i have my chemistry book stuck to my back and i don’t know enough to take it off

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and i don’t have time to struggle with it (late from school) so i just leave it

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and do you know how uncomfortable it is to go through with your day when you are stuck with chemistry book on your back and it could potentially drop at any moment and you can’t give an explanation to anyone if it drops or if someone sees it?

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

AND we had chem that day

_queen of everything @itsmemom_

that doesn’t sound too bad?

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

oh you poor child, you really thought that was everything?

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

hasn’t heard of Parker Luck

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

poor soul

_queen of everything @itsmemom_

then get on with the story yeez

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

okay, so when I go to cafeteria (you probably see where this is going)

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i walk into someone and their food, just, i basically fall on it

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so then i had to take my hoodie off, which left me only in my t-shirt

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so THEN i had to walk absolutely straight, even overly so, so that the book wouldn’t be seeable on my back

_queen on everything @itsmemom_

sounds more uncomfortable, but durable

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

…

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

…

_queen of everything @itsmemom_

that’s not it either????

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

then comes the last class of the day, chem (which I didn’t have the book for since it was stuck on my back

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so when the teacher starts to grill me about the book (i have no idea what her problem with forgotten school material is, it doesn’t happen to me that often even)

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i kinda start to squirm around

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

when i realize that my feet are stuck to the floor

_hello there @Yasmineeee_

no

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

yes

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so there i am, trying to sit as straight as i can, feet stuck to floor as my teacher is grilling me about the book

_queen of everything @itsmemom_

okay, sounds horrible

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

…

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

…

_queen of everything @itsmemom_

OH COME ON 

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

my teacher gets mad because i’m focused on panicking about my stuck feet and tells me to go to principal's office

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but my feet are stuck

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i can’t

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

then my teacher gets even more mad when i refuse to go

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and reaches to pull me up

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and i freak out because what if she touches my hand and gets stuck as well???

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i jump up

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and i shit you not, the floor cracks up

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i just, panic even more but rush out anyway

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

since its the last class i just hope no one notices

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and come back later that night

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so there i was, in the middle of the night, trying to fix my chem class floor

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and the bloody chem book was still stuck on my back

_queen of everything @itsmemom_

that… sounds fake on so many levels but i doubt you would make that shit up

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

i didn’t quite believe it either until Peter showed me the still slightly visible cracks on the floor

_no means no @myfriendscallmeMJ_

Don’t try Leeds, you believed it as soon as Peter said it so don’t try to look cool.

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

:((


	11. Chapter 11

_sherlock @itsmewatson_

So remember that time when Peter / Spiderman made that suspiciously specific example?

> _living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_
> 
> WHICH IT IS TOTALLY NOT BECAUSE IM AT SCHOOL AND VENOM IS ABOUT AS UNSUSPICIOUS AS CARRYING AROUND THREE CORPSES LIGHTER FOUR TIRES AND THREE PACKS OF CHOCOLATE IS  
  
---  
  
_sherlock @itsmewatson_

because I do and I bet there is a story behind it

_CEO of SI ✓ @PepperPotts_

I pray there is no story behind it.

_unicornsandglitterandstuff @totallynotDP_

wish I could say that there isn’t story but there totally is one ma’am

_CEO of SI ✓ @PepperPotts_

Of course there is a story

_unicornsandglitterandstuff @totallynotDP_

aint it sad

_unicornsandglitterandstuff @totallynotDP_

_@babyboy_ come here it’s story time (actually you come too _@Brock_ )

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

I was summoned (somehow?)

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

fasten your seatbelts readers, this tale is about casual grave robbery

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so this happened like three months after Venom left me

_unicornsandglitterandstuff @totallynotDP_

three months six days 

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

Right

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so anyways, i had realised that venom needs to eat meat to survive and i didn’t exactly want them around eating people

_pizza @Brock_

we tried everything; cows, pigs, fish, lobster, shellfish, lamb, ox, deer, chicken, rooster… but the parasjsaduf

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

anyway we tried all kinds of meat, but venom wasn’t satisfied

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so DP just casually says that maybe dead people are okay

_unicorns (because just unicorns is faster to write) @totallynotDP_

venom was all like ‘that takes the excitement of hunting away’ and ‘fresh is better’

_pizza @Brock_

In the end Venom agrees to try dead people since Spidey doesn’t want them to kill anyone

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

which led us to out next problem; where to get some freshly deceased people

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

i said lets just rob some graves or kill some evil scientists around

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but robbing graves is kinda unethical and killing people is even worse even if they are evil

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

is it?

_pizza @Brock_

IS it?

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

Yes.

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but since no other meat is okay we have to come up with something

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so we land on freshly deceased evil human meat

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

that’s not sentence you get to make everyday

_pizza @Brock_

it’s really not

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so next problem is the way to get our hands on the meat

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and apparently DP has his ways

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

I swear to Bea and Arthur it is totally legal and normal

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

anyway, so DP knew someone who knew someone who knew someone who died or killed someone I DON’T KNOW but the point is that he knew someone who knew where we could get dead people who wouldn’t be missed

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so we go to get the meat

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

it’s exactly two corpses

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so we get the meat and bring them to Venom

_sherlock @itsmewatson_

What about the lighter, tires and chocolate and the third corpse

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

oh lol

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

while we were at it DP realized that venom doesn’t maybe like him

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so he wanted to buy chocolate to them (i told they liked it)

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so instead of being normal person he decides to drive into the store through the wall because he knows the owner

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

that makes no sense

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

lemme start over

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so after we get the corpses, DP casually mentions that Venom might start to like him now

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

I tell him that rather than meat Venom would probably start to like him if he gave it some chocolate

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so DP decides to buy some (i tried to tell him that Venom probably felt no way or another about him previous to this but for some reason he thought they hated him or smth)

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

we are going around in this old beat up car because I didn’t want to carry the corpses around

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and instead of parking the car and walking into some store and being normal DP is like ‘Hey, I know the bitch that runs this store, stole some money from me ages ago. Lemme just crash this car through the wall and take some chocolate from him’

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

I tried to stop him

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but i wasn’t exactly successful

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so he slams through the wall

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

it’s some beat up seven eleven in the middle of nowhere luckily

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but the store owner is not happy with it

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

in my defence, I thought the store owner was the non-trigger happy piece of shit

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

anyway, so the store owner shoots him

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

no chance, no dice, just clean bullet through the head and then some

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

then he locks eyes with me and asks who the fuck I am

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

how could he not know Spiderman???

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

anyway, so I kinda explain who I am and what we got into there for

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

he’s kinda like whatever, the wall is already broken and he doesn’t want to make avengers made by killing me

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so i go to take the chocolate

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

I try to get the car going but then i realize it’s broken and ask what the fuck i’m supposed to do

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

then DP wakes up and says ‘take the tires bitch, i need to-’

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

the trigger happy owner is still mad with him unlike with me, so he kinda hits DPs head clean off mid sentence with a bat

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so there i am with chocolate, two corpses, one currently dead deadpool and broken car

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

I ask the owner if he knows what DP meant with the tires

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

he says something like ‘you can identify the car by its tires so he wants to burn them so he can’t be tracked’

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

which i now realize is complete bull and in no way true

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

you actually thought it was true

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

anyway, so i take the tires off the car and ask if i can get lighter to burn them with

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but i decide that it’s not worth the time it takes to burn them right then and there

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and thats how i ended up carrying three corpses, lighter, chocolate and four tires around

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

still can’t believe i slept through you carrying me around in your arms

_pizza @Brock_

when Spidey came back carrying all that I honestly didn’t know what to do

_sherlock @itsmewatson_

So did Venom like the meat?

_pizza @Brock_

yeah

_sherlock @itsmewatson_

I’m sensing a but

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

Wise one

_pizza @Brock_

After the whole thing was over and the corpses were eaten they just casually says that he liked the corpses but fish is okay too since getting corpses sounds like pain in the ass

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

it was the most anticlimactic ending ever to story like that

_sherlock @itsmewatson_

Okay so that is one answer we got. Now I have only one question left unanswered; who are Lily and Amanda?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to thank everyone who has commented and/or given kudos, it means the world to me <3


	12. Chapter 12

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

story: that one time i got poisoned and didnt notice until next day

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so the poisoning bit is super basic

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

some criminal lair, they fight back, i get hit blah blah blah

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

point is that at some point i got poisoned

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

did i breathe it? eat it? injected? who knows

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and we DID check up at tower so by all accounts i should have been ok

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

anyway, next day i go to school since we all thought i was fine

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

during my second lesson of the day (about ten hours after being poisoned) i start to feel super sleepy

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but thats normal so i kinda ignore it

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

then out of nowhere with no warning or build up of any sort i throw up

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

there in the middle of the classroom onto my desk

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and if that wasn’t mortifying enough it was more blood than vomit

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

everyone freaks out which, fair

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

after throwing up i feel even sleepier and i think i was swimming back and forth between being conscious and not

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

my teacher, being perfectly normal, calls 911

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i wasn’t in the state to stop him so it happens

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so ambulance comes and i'm driven straight to hospital

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

now you have to remember that i am not fully human biologically and this was before my identity reveal so any kind of testing would have probably outed me

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i still didnt feel that good but realize what is happening and try to fight my way out of there

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i did not succeed

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

they strap me to this bed and i know that im this close to being outed as spiderman

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i would like to say that i managed to get myself out of there without help but thats not what happened

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

May had been called about the whole thing and she had contacted Stark like asap

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so before the doctors, nurses, i have actually no idea who, could start doing whatever they do after you throw up liter of blood he blasts in

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

or rather stumbles in from the door looking like a mess

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

im pretty sure he told them that he was going to take care of me himself and they agreed

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i mean its Tony Stark, what were they going to do, refuse?

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and thats that

_helicopter dad ✓ @TonyStark_

It’s always wonderful when you tell stories about yourself almost dying with utmost ease.

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

i wasnt actually in danger, my healing factor was already taking care of it

_helicopter dad ✓ @TonyStark_

You were inches away from actually dying.

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

you say it like it doesn’t happen every other sunday

_helicopter dad ✓ @TonyStark_

Kid. We have talked about this.

_helicopter dad ✓ @TonyStark_

KID. Come back.

_Nat tried to kill me ✓ @ClintBarton_

me think you scared him off helicopter dad

_helicopter dad ✓ @TonyStark_

Damn


	13. Chapter 13

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

Okay so finally story of Lily and Amanda

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so they are these employees at SI, really high up scientists

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

they work like only two floors under lab i work at most of the time so i can hear them pretty easily

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

so after they were moved into same research group they clicked like instantly

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but instead of being mature and smart about it they just started skirting around the issue like confused middle schoolers

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

like its clear as empty void that like each others

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

they flirt, make comments, are compatible on every level (they even want the same amount of dogs and kids!)

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

honestly they are sweeter than romcoms nowadays

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

but like i said they just skirted around the real thing

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

their hearts beat far faster than is healthy when the other one is present and people are making comments already but they do nothing about it

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

then, after being tortured with following this drama for almost three months,

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

Amanda asked Lily out

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

and i am not ashamed to admit that I did victory dance when I heard about it

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

not to be that guy but what I’m getting from this is that you spy on everyone around you

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

we established that during the whole “i cant hear you making out in the supply closet conversation”

_guy in the chair @nedleeds_

that conversation was about you involuntarily hearing things you would like not to hear, this is about spying on others

_no means no @myfriendscallmeMJ_

I have to side with Ned on this one, this is just you being plain creepy.

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

_@TonyStark_

_helicopter dad ✓ @TonyStark_

Sorry Underoos

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

_@totallynotDP_

_unicorns @totallynotDP_

srry baby boy, i have nth against it but that is just plain spying

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

_@ClintBarton_

_Nat tried to kill me ✓ @ClintBarton_

yeah, like I would side with you against all these people or rather tell the internet that spying on others with your freaky super hearing is okay

_living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman_

damn


	14. Chapter 14

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

You remember when Peter decided in his sound mind and memory to reveal my relationship with James to the internet? When it was very much not public knowledge?

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Well paybacks a bitch

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Who wants to hear a story about the time when Peter, like the freaking idiot he is, took someone else’s thong?

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Since I value my life I won’t say whose thong he stole tho

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

So, everything started when Peter went on patrol one beautiful Tuesday evening

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

He stumbled upon some idiots with slime guns or something, got drenched all the way through (I heard this part of the story from Bucky who heard it from Steve who heard it from Tony who got paraphrased version from Peter)

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

so Tony, like the gent he is, cleans up his suit afterwards

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

now, I have no idea how the next bit happened but I have guesses

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

a) Peter is very unobservant (probable)

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

b) Peter doesn’t pay attention to his underwear (slightly less probable)

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

c) Peter was tired (he’s student, he’s always tired so improbable)

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

d) Peter is just that stupid (extremely probable)

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Whatever the reason, when the suit was clean and Peter went to retrieve it, he didn’t take his thong. No, he took 

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Let’s just call this mysterious thong owner x shall we?

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

So, he takes x’s thong

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Does this idiot notice anything? No. He takes off to his aunts all happy and merry.

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

He doesn’t realize his mistake till the next morning. 

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Peter, you may be genius for all you like, but any normal person would have simply washed the thong and returned it where he took it from

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

But Peter, our resident idiot, decides to sneak the garment to x’s room

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

You can see where this is going right?

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

So Peter comes back to the tower after school, all nervous, jittery and obvious

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman _

DUDE

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman _

WHAT ARE YOU DOING???

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Oh hello Peter, fancy seeing you here

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Anyway, as I was saying, Peter came to the tower

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman _

;_;

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

And he sneaks into x’s room

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

He is too panicky to think straight and wastes his time while going to the wardrobe and finding the shelf or box for undergarments to have these inaudible panic sessions

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

What do you think happens next? Peter, any guesses?

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman _

;_; im sorry i ate the cookies sam please stoppppppp

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

No.

_ hello @EvanSmith _

wait, so you said you were doing this because Peter exposed your relationship with Bucky, but you are really doing this because he ate your cookies?

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman _

thats whats happening ;_;

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Anyways!

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

As Peter’s putting back the thong, x comes in

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

And it kind of looks like Peter’s digging through her underwears

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

Which justifies her, less than calm reaction

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman _

why do you hate me so much sam

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

I think we already established that you ate my cookies and that justifies my fury and revenge

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman _

;_;

_ AoD @Helen _

But wait! I know whose thong it was!

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperma _

huh?

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

no you dont

_ AoD @Helen _

Peter went back to the tower to return the thong so it must have belonged to someone in the tower

_ AoD @Helen _

Only two women live in the tower, Natasha and Pepper (besides who else would Sam fear enough not to tell?)

_ AoD @Helen _

On Wednesdays Peter’s school day ends always before three no matter what (in Midtown teachers always have their weekly meeting from three to quarter past four on Wednesdays)

_ AoD @Helen _

And Peppers workday never ends before half past four on Wednesdays (or almost any day really)

_ AoD @Helen _

So if we suppose Peter went to the tower as soon as possible (about half an hour) and didn’t waste too much time locating the right self or box (twenty minutes in total at most)

_ AoD @Helen _

Only Natasha could have walked in on Peter going through her things since Pepper was at work, so the thong belonged to Natasha!

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

No it didn’t

_ AoD @Helen _

Then there’s the additional fact that Peter and Natasha are closer in size, making it more likely for Peter to have made the particular error

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

No they aren’t

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman _

Mamaspider’s gonna kick your ass you know _@BlackWidow_

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

No she won’t

_ mama spider ✓ @BlackWidow _

Want to bet on that?

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

In my defense I had no way of knowing they could figure it out

_ mama spider ✓ @BlackWidow _

…

_ living PR nightmare ✓ @biperman _

Nice knowing you Sam

_ onyourabove ✓ @SamWilson _

fUCK


End file.
